Sex and relationships are a hard thing, especially when you're dealing with a long distance relationship because there is none. No kissing, no sex, no intimacy. It is a hard thing to deal with but if you love each other you make it work.
So a little background information first. I'm in a relatiosnhip; with a guy in Poland. I'm in England but this isn't my first rodeo, I've had long distance relationships before, more than normal, lives in the same town relationships. Those I've had two of, long distance? Well, this will be my fifth.
It's not that I prefer having my partner miles away where I can never see them, it's more they get to know my personality before seeing me, so they don't see a fat girl with scars and rarely smiling. They see the funny, care free girl who is a goof; and I get to see who they are inside as well.
I know how hard a long distance is, and how much pressure it can put on the relationship; but I know it's worth it, all those hardships are worth being with them in the end, it makes your time together even more special and amazing.
But I'm what's known as an easy target, during my years I've had a lot of sex, most with strangers and only as a one time thing; but some are with people who stay in my life. These are the dangerous people, the ones who know how to manipulate me and twist things just right to get me to think they care while having rough, sometimes violent sex.
These people are the one's who swoop in when they find out I'm in a relationship. They don't even know that my partner is in another country. Soon as they know I'm dating they try and get me to have sex with them anyway and keep it a secret, to not tell him, to cheat.
I've only ever cheated once in my life, and I regret it to this day. I was 16 and dating a girl long distance. I had just got out of a mental health hospital where I'd been staying for a month after my first overdose. I asked her to date me and she said yes. It was great for the first five seconds. She was extremely clingy, wanted me on the phone or on skype every second of the day. I tdrove me insane. After all, I had just been cooped up with 9 other kids, being checked on every 15 minutes for a month, I wanted my space and she refused to give it to me, but I still really liked her.
Then a friend of mine came to visit; we went to London together and had a good time. Only problem is I had an arguement with my girl before I left for London because she was pissed off I wouldn't be able to talk to her every second due to being away and wanting time with my friend. So I slept with him. I knew he liked me and I had a crush just enough to make me think I liked him. So we had sex, in a Hostel, while my roomates were there. It was horrible. I lost my virginity and hated myself after. The sex itself was terrible and nwo how a first time should be.
Me and my girlfriend broke up after that when I told her what happened.
I made damn sure I would never cheat again, and I didn't. I've been sexually assaulted by a stranger while I was in a relationship and my boyfriend decided that I had cheated on him, when the truth was I was drunk as hell and kept telling this guy to stop and leave me alone. (He was supposed to be my friend.)
So now, in this relationship I want things to go right, I don't want fuck ups and mistakes to happen, I don't want to go out at night and get assaulted in case he see's it as cheating and leaves me too.
I have all these fears and worries that will cause us to fall apart, but my own worry might be what causes it.
Drugs where a major part of when I was sleeping around before my relationship. I mainly just smoked pot but I've had coke offered as well as heroine. It scares me how tempted I was by all of these offers, even though I never took them if it had been offered a year earlier I would of done it, I know I would of; mainly because I was on the search of drugs at the time.
It worries me how much my life would of been different if i had got hold of drugs, or said yes to them in exchange for sex, I doubt I'd even be in a loving relationship right now. I'd be in an abusive, drug dependant one, or dead.
But now I'm with someone who cares about me, who doesn't want to hurt me, I can finally see how bad it used to be, how I got raped but it's all ok because he gave me more alcohol after, or a joint. That my no's were just me messing about.
But it was never ok, people seek out emotionally unstable girls because we'll allow them to do anything to us; because we don't care. But I do, I care now.
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