As I write this I can imagine how hard this time of year can be for a lot of people, people who don't have a family, money or even a roof over their heads. It's hard to be thankful when you have little to be thankful for.
I know as I go into this I may sound whiny and selfish and just stuck up, but hey, it's my blog so I can say what I like.
Christmas has always been a hard time for me, in fact, any time that money has to be spent on me like my birthday is hard. My family have very little money and lucky to even have a house. There have been times when we've had to live off a months worth of shopping for about 6 months because we just couldn't afford anything. So this time of year can be tough.
I learnt this very quickly that my parents struggled with money; so I stopped asking for things and said I don't need anything. It's gotten to the point my mum has to force me to buy clothes that don't have holes or shoes that aren't falling apart.
So when Christmas time rolls around and all you see is "buy this, buy that. If you love them you'll give us the money!" and it hurts; not because my parents can't buy me things, but because I can't buy them things. We're actually planning on going around charity shops to find some presents for each other this year but even then charity shops are getting more and more expensive we probably won't even be able to afford them soon.
I haven't enjoyed Christmas in so long, I can't even remember when the last time was. The only time I've come close to being happy is a few years ago I got my benefits and all the back pay right around Christmas, I got £1,000. I was so happy, I spent it all on Christmas, I got my mum new tree lights to replace the ones we've had for 15 odd years, I got my family presents and stocking stuff and even got my friends some gifts as well. I even gave £100 to a man I'd gotten to known over my college year. He worked with the big issue and luckily had a flat given to him and he had the most gorgeous staff. Quite often I'd talk to him, say hello to his dog and buy her a treat from the shop or often give him the little money I had for lunch to him since I didn't really eat at the time.
When I gave him the money, I told him to wait till he got home to open it, I was worried the wind would catch the money or something and it'd be lost. So when I saw him the next day, he cried and thanked me.
I also left £20 pound notes for some guys who were sleeping rough when I was doing some shopping. I felt bad that it was all I could give them since I didn't have much left by then but it was horrible seeing them asleep and as I placed the money near them they woke up, fear in their eyes that I was going to hurt them or something. They didn't speak English but Canterbury has a lot of Polish people on the streets so it wasn't surprising. I just smiled and handed him and his friend the money, said Merry Christmas and left.
That Christmas felt good, I did what I could to make others happy, because I know I won't be truly happy because of my depression.
Family traditions are another thing that kill me inside. Every year for Christmas the whole family would go to my Nan and Grandads (dads side) and we'd play games and laugh and be silly; but as my depression got worse I had to put on more of an act. No one understood back then what was going on so they just thought I was being a hormonal teenager when in fact all I wanted to do was kill myself.
And then my nan passed away, shortly after my birthday and I ended up trying to kill myself shortly before my GCSE's.
I loved my nan, but her funeral tipped me over the edge. I still cherish the last Christmas we spent with her though. We were all playing that game guess who you are where you had a name card on your forehead and had to guess who you were. Well my cousin was cheating and looking up at the mirror on the other side of the wall to figure it out. We noticed and it started a bit of an argument because she denied it etc etc, and while we were arguing my nan took off hers, looked at it and then put it back on her forehead like nothing happened.
Well, when we carried on the game and it got to her turn she guessed. "Am I the Queen?" We all said no, and she got confused and pulled the card back down. "I could of sworn it said Queen." and we all ended up pissing ourselves laughing because we realised she had cheated and still got it wrong.
Even with her Alzheimer's she was still amazing.
But then she left us. It still hurts to this day and it was nearly 7 years ago now.
I know why it's got even more sore though, my grandad, he's sold the house. The house my dad grew up in, the house we always spent Christmas playing games. He's moved into his girlfriends bungalow; and it hurts. Like, really hurts. I'm happy he's found someone to spend his last years with; she's amazing and he's honestly in love. What hurts is I'll never see that house again. I'll never go into the spare room and see the door art my dad made as a kid himself of his favourite book; Duncton Woods.
I'm finding more reasons to hate Christmas and losing more to love it. It's just not the same and I can't pretend to be happy anymore, I wish I could just cancel it, pretend it's not there and just treat it like a normal day; but I can't. The decorations will go up, the Carole's will be sung and Christmas will be everywhere and I can't stop it.
If i had some money I'd book a hotel for Christmas and hide out in the room for the day with my phone and maybe just sleep the day away.
I don't want Christmas to come, I want it to end.
That makes me suicidal honestly, but sometimes I wonder if I would be better off dead but considering how much funerals cost I can't even afford to die right now.
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