We’ve all had that friend, the best friend, the one who you
thought you were inseparable until one day you just stop talking and drift
apart? Well, I had a friend like that, least, I thought I did, she was my
everything, hell, I even had a crush on her at one point... Multiple times.
Like me she was unwell, but a lot worse, it’s complicated to
explain but she had other people in her mind that would often take over, and I
knew them well, they were all my friends and I would protect every single one,
I promised I would. A couple were younger than her, the youngest being only
five and a half (he always insisted we knew he was and a half, never just
five.) His name was Tazuka and I met him last year December time. He was so
scared and didn’t know what was going on, and that’s when I promised I’d be
there for him.
Then there was Oliver, Ollie was around 12 years old but he
was from an abusive family. I met him around April/May time and he was
terrified, had no idea where he was and was so sure his parents would find him.
I promised him there and then I would protect him if they ever did but I
assured him they wouldn’t.
I could go on about the others but I shall only mention one
more, Dustin, aka, D. He was something, some would call him an asshole and so
would I but at the same time, he was my asshole you know? D was one of the
reasons I had a crush on her, because I had a crush on him. He even asked me
out at one point but I just got out of a relationship and wasn’t quite over it,
I wish I said yes but I didn’t; maybe if I had said yes I’d still be talking to
them right now.
But for now, let us remember how close we were. Having met
in a mental hospital, Sygnet to be exact, we talked so much and when we were
both out, we hung out. D was the main personality at this point and was soon
going to have a sex change, we had such a laugh together and I could finally be
myself around him but that wasn’t to last, they began to date this guy who was
a horrid person and they shut me out so I got on with my life, and then, around
November time, they contacted me, now, it had been nearly 4 years since we last
talked so it was a surprise to hear from her but this time Milly was the
personality in charge, the original personality. She wanted to get talking
again and I missed her so I said yes and once again the dynamic duo were
together again, we talked through the town late at night and laughed, had some
drinks, hell we even got to know some strippers one night!
I remember one time, we were ready in our pjs and we wanted
to go to Asda, so, being the daredevils we were, we did, with only our boxers
and a hoodie on and nothing else, it was so funny, Milly even got hit on but by
then we had established we were each other’s emergency girlfriends since we were
so comfortable with each other we would happily make out to prove it too.
After a while, me and D started becoming rather sexual
towards each other, which usually ended up with D between my legs but we won’t
go there; life was feeling great, I had my best friend and that was all I
needed, we could share anything to each other and know it would be safe, even
now I refuse to share any personal information that she entrusted me with,
though by now probably everything she knew about me is shared.
It’s at this point I start to cry, because I started to get
in a bad way, I started to sleep around a little, not much! But it ended up
with me being sexually assaulted, I went to Milly and she just said I told you
it would happen, yes she comforted me but she had to point out that she was
right. She wasn’t happy with me having sex with a couple people frivolously but
I decided then I wouldn’t meet guys off the internet anymore for sex, I’d stick
to the people I knew but I don’t think that worked either.
Before long, she stopped wanting to hang out and talk, kept
saying she was going through a bad spot. I thought it strange, I’d been with
her before when she’d been going through some very bad spots so for her to cut
me off rather hurt, that’s when I started noticing her planning other things
with another girl; it hit me hard. I’d been replaced with a new more
interesting, skinnier friend. I couldn’t believe it. I got so angry, so pissed
off that she’d do this I cut her out of my life, I regret doing that with every
fibre of my being.
See, when you have best friends, usually you just drift
apart, get on with your lives but for me it was like someone had just cut the
cord that connected me to her and then threw me away; it hurt, a lot. Even now,
seeing her today all happy, well I ended up crying in the middle of town from
the pain. I feel like I made the wrong decision and that it was my entire
fault. Now, why would it be affecting me so badly? Because I have no close
friends believe it or not, or none I feel I can talk to about anything, none I
would happily share a bath with without a second thought.
When it comes to social anxiety I’m a bad case, I feel like
whenever I unload my problems onto someone, even if they’re a therapist, I’m
just bugging them and taking up their time that they could be using to do
something else other than listen to my sorry arse. So, for me, to have a friend
like that, it’s very rare. So now, all I do, all I feel I can do, is sit and
home and hope somehow I gain a new friend that I can once again hang out with
and talk to without worry but somehow I don’t think that’ll happen.
Friends come and go; well I wish they didn’t, why couldn’t
we have the same friends the rest of our lives? We got along then so why don’t
we now? It’s strange how friendship works and I wish I knew but then I think
everybody wished they knew.
I’m still hoping she’ll come and talk to me, I know I
couldn’t go to her lest I want to be yelled at and told to fuck off, but hey,
who knows? Maybe I’ll find someone like her and if I do, Lord knows I’m going
to hold onto them and not fuck it up like I did this one.
Now, a couple days later, do I realise I have friends, I may
not talk to them every day I like did Millie, but they’re there. They’re there
if I want to hang out sometimes and have a drink with them, I can talk to them
if need be. It may not be quite the same friendship but it’s still a close one
and I’m glad I have it, I know I’m not alone even if it feels like it at times,
I do have friends and I can have fun with them. Saturday just gone I went to
gay pride in Margate; it was the second time I hung out with people in forever,
the first being going to the cinema with two close college friends.
We drank and had so much fun and everything was good, even
if I did feel alone at the bar when everyone had grouped off into their couples
but that’s for another post.
Saturday was an important day; it proved to me how easily I
can make friends and that I do have ones, good ones at that and that is
something I’ll hold on to.
