If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas

As I write this I can imagine how hard this time of year can be for a lot of people, people who don't have a family, money or even a roof over their heads. It's hard to be thankful when you have little to be thankful for.

I know as I go into this I may sound whiny and selfish and just stuck up, but hey, it's my blog so I can say what I like.

Christmas has always been a hard time for me, in fact, any time that money has to be spent on me like my birthday is hard. My family have very little money and lucky to even have a house. There have been times when we've had to live off a months worth of shopping for about 6 months because we just couldn't afford anything. So this time of year can be tough.
I learnt this very quickly that my parents struggled with money; so I stopped asking for things and said I don't need anything. It's gotten to the point my mum has to force me to buy clothes that don't have holes or shoes that aren't falling apart.

So when Christmas time rolls around and all you see is "buy this, buy that. If you love them you'll give us the money!" and it hurts; not because my parents can't buy me things, but because I can't buy them things. We're actually planning on going around charity shops to find some presents for each other this year but even then charity shops are getting more and more expensive we probably won't even be able to afford them soon.

I haven't enjoyed Christmas in so long, I can't even remember when the last time was. The only time I've come close to being happy is a few years ago I got my benefits and all the back pay right around Christmas, I got £1,000. I was so happy, I spent it all on Christmas, I got my mum new tree lights to replace the ones we've had for 15 odd years, I got my family presents and stocking stuff and even got my friends some gifts as well. I even gave £100 to a man I'd gotten to known over my college year. He worked with the big issue and luckily had a flat given to him and he had the most gorgeous staff. Quite often I'd talk to him, say hello to his dog and buy her a treat from the shop or often give him the little money I had for lunch to him since I didn't really eat at the time.

When I gave him the money, I told him to wait till he got home to open it, I was worried the wind would catch the money or something and it'd be lost. So when I saw him the next day, he cried and thanked me.
I also left £20 pound notes for some guys who were sleeping rough when I was doing some shopping. I felt bad that it was all I could give them since I didn't have much left by then but it was horrible seeing them asleep and as I placed the money near them they woke up, fear in their eyes that I was going to hurt them or something. They didn't speak English but Canterbury has a lot of Polish people on the streets so it wasn't surprising. I just smiled and handed him and his friend the money, said Merry Christmas and left.

That Christmas felt good, I did what I could to make others happy, because I know I won't be truly happy because of my depression.

Family traditions are another thing that kill me inside. Every year for Christmas the whole family would go to my Nan and Grandads (dads side) and we'd play games and laugh and be silly; but as my depression got worse I had to put on more of an act. No one understood back then what was going on so they just thought I was being a hormonal teenager when in fact all I wanted to do was kill myself.
And then my nan passed away, shortly after my birthday and I ended up trying to kill myself shortly before my GCSE's.

I loved my nan, but her funeral tipped me over the edge. I still cherish the last Christmas we spent with her though. We were all playing that game guess who you are where you had a name card on your forehead and had to guess who you were. Well my cousin was cheating and looking up at the mirror on the other side of the wall to figure it out. We noticed and it started a bit of an argument because she denied it etc etc, and while we were arguing my nan took off hers, looked at it and then put it back on her forehead like nothing happened.
Well, when we carried on the game and it got to her turn she guessed. "Am I the Queen?" We all said no, and she got confused and pulled the card back down. "I could of sworn it said Queen." and we all ended up pissing ourselves laughing because we realised she had cheated and still got it wrong.

Even with her Alzheimer's she was still amazing.
But then she left us. It still hurts to this day and it was nearly 7 years ago now.
I know why it's got even more sore though, my grandad, he's sold the house. The house my dad grew up in, the house we always spent Christmas playing games. He's moved into his girlfriends bungalow; and it hurts. Like, really hurts. I'm happy he's found someone to spend his last years with; she's amazing and he's honestly in love. What hurts is I'll never see that house again. I'll never go into the spare room and see the door art my dad made as a kid himself of his favourite book; Duncton Woods.

I'm finding more reasons to hate Christmas and losing more to love it. It's just not the same and I can't pretend to be happy anymore, I wish I could just cancel it, pretend it's not there and just treat it like a normal day; but I can't. The decorations will go up, the Carole's will be sung and Christmas will be everywhere and I can't stop it.
If i had some money I'd book a hotel for Christmas and hide out in the room for the day with my phone and maybe just sleep the day away.
I don't want Christmas to come, I want it to end.

That makes me suicidal honestly, but sometimes I wonder if I would be better off dead but considering how much funerals cost I can't even afford to die right now.

Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll

Sex and relationships are a hard thing, especially when you're dealing with a long distance relationship because there is none. No kissing, no sex, no intimacy. It is a hard thing to deal with but if you love each other you make it work.

So a little background information first. I'm in a relatiosnhip; with a guy in Poland. I'm in England but this isn't my first rodeo, I've had long distance relationships before, more than normal, lives in the same town relationships. Those I've had two of, long distance? Well, this will be my fifth.

It's not that I prefer having my partner miles away where I can never see them, it's more they get to know my personality before seeing me, so they don't see a fat girl with scars and rarely smiling. They see the funny, care free girl who is a goof; and I get to see who they are inside as well.

I know how hard a long distance is, and how much pressure it can put on the relationship; but I know it's worth it, all those hardships are worth being with them in the end, it makes your time together even more special and amazing.

But I'm what's known as an easy target, during my years I've had a lot of sex, most with strangers and only as a one time thing; but some are with people who stay in my life. These are the dangerous people, the ones who know how to manipulate me and twist things just right to get me to think they care while having rough, sometimes violent sex.

These people are the one's who swoop in when they find out I'm in a relationship. They don't even know that my partner is in another country. Soon as they know I'm dating they try and get me to have sex with them anyway and keep it a secret, to not tell him, to cheat.

I've only ever cheated once in my life, and I regret it to this day. I was 16 and dating a girl long distance. I had just got out of a mental health hospital where I'd been staying for a month after my first overdose. I asked her to date me and she said yes. It was great for the first five seconds. She was extremely clingy, wanted me on the phone or on skype every second of the day. I tdrove me insane. After all, I had just been cooped up with 9 other kids, being checked on every 15 minutes for a month, I wanted my space and she refused to give it to me, but I still really liked her.

Then a friend of mine came to visit; we went to London together and had a good time. Only problem is I had an arguement with my girl before I left for London because she was pissed off I wouldn't be able to talk to her every second due to being away and wanting time with my friend. So I slept with him. I knew he liked me and I had a crush just enough to make me think I liked him. So we had sex, in a Hostel, while my roomates were there. It was horrible. I lost my virginity and hated myself after. The sex itself was terrible and nwo how a first time should be.

Me and my girlfriend broke up after that when I told her what happened.

I made damn sure I would never cheat again, and I didn't. I've been sexually assaulted by a stranger while I was in a relationship and my boyfriend decided that I had cheated on him, when the truth was I was drunk as hell and kept telling this guy to stop and leave me alone. (He was supposed to be my friend.)

So now, in this relationship I want things to go right, I don't want fuck ups and mistakes to happen, I don't want to go out at night and get assaulted in case he see's it as cheating and leaves me too.

I have all these fears and worries that will cause us to fall apart, but my own worry might be what causes it.

Drugs where a major part of when I was sleeping around before my relationship. I mainly just smoked pot but I've had coke offered as well as heroine. It scares me how tempted I was by all of these offers, even though I never took them if it had been offered a year earlier I would of done it, I know I would of; mainly because I was on the search of drugs at the time.

It worries me how much my life would of been different if i had got hold of drugs, or said yes to them in exchange for sex, I doubt I'd even be in a loving relationship right now. I'd be in an abusive, drug dependant one, or dead.

But now I'm with someone who cares about me, who doesn't want to hurt me, I can finally see how bad it used to be, how I got raped but it's all ok because he gave me more alcohol after, or a joint. That my no's were just me messing about.
But it was never ok, people seek out emotionally unstable girls because we'll allow them to do anything to us; because we don't care. But I do, I care now.

Back Once More

Been over a year since I've written here, honestly I forgot all about it until someone brought it up.

I want to start writing on here again, to vent, to share, to just... Be able to get things out of my head.

Surprisingly I have a boyfriend now, he's really sweet but I'm scared, I'm scared I'll screw it up, like I always have. I want to be happy but it's like my subconcious won't allow me to be, I sabotage myself.

I feel like I have nothing to say right now, but I have so many things running through my head as well. It's almost like it's too much to write about; it's travelling through my head at 50 miles an hour and I can't make sense of it all.

I keep messing around with my meds, not taking them and then taking two at a time. I'm not sure why I do it, the not taking them is more forgetfullness than anything but I don't know why I'm then over medicating with more, all it does is fuck up my schedule and my head even more, yet I keep doing it, it's like slowly i'm bringing myself back to my destructive ways, as it is I self harmed again.

I'm disappointed in myself for that... I'd been clean for so long, since Januray 1st actually, after that horrible overdose I took, it's like it had knocked sense into me and even though I had urges, I never did it.
And then about a month ago, I started getting nightmares; flashbacks as well. All while I was asleep so I couldn't even stop it and distract myself. I had to go through it all. I woke up crying so often and I couldn't take it anymore; so I cut. Just shallow ones, more like scratches really. But that intense relief I felt, it was better than any orgasasm I could ever had. I felt so complete and relaxed and.. Happy.

The nightmares stopped after that, it was like my mind was trying to get me to hurt myself so it upped it's game and made all the nightmares, forcing me to seek some sort of relief, and it worked. I'm so disappointed in myself, because it's all I've wanted to do since; I've wanted to self harm again, I've wanted  to overdose again.
I can't, I know I can't but I want to.
Because part of me knows, that if I overdose again, it might be the last I'll ever have to do.
It could kill me.

With my last overdose on December 31st 2016, I took my anti physcotics. About 6 of them, that was all I needed. I felt so out of it, I could barely concerntrate on what the paramedic was saying.
I knew he was worried, he didn't want to leave me an my parents couldn't drive me up to the hospital because they'd been smoking for my mum's pain.
He ended up taking me in his own car and sat with me until my parents came up in a taxi.
He was scared, and it made me scared because he knew something.
Thats when he told me, why he was so scared for me.

A woman a couple weeks ago had taken 10 of the same pills, same dosage and died of organ failure. And from how I was acting I could very well die.

I hurt, all over, I could feel my own organs struggling to cope, I knew they were weak from the overdoses I had taken before; this was not my first rodeo.
But I don't know why I became so scared, dying was the plan in the first place. Maybe it's because it would of been a painful death, or I worried for my family and my niece and nephew, but I was scared; but I didn't want to survive either. I was hoping that 6 would be enough to stop my heart and kill me.

I still wish it did even now.

It's coming closer and closer, the day I took them; and it's all I can think about lately. About how I should save up more this time, take them with the other hundred painkillers I have stashed away in my room.

I want to stop feeling like this, I can't even remember the little girl who was always talking and had a smile on her face. She's dead, and now I'm left with a husk of a human being, who feels weird when she's happy, and hates to smile, and hates to feel, and hates to live.

I should be happy, I have a good life. Loving family, a boyfriend who actually cares about me; but then I realise... That's all I have, I have no career, no future, no friends, no life, nothing.
I sit at the computer and drink energy drinks and then go to bed and sleep for hours on end to wake up and go sit on the computer and drink energy drinks.
What kind of life is that?

I want to go back to college, I want to study. I want all of that, I want a future but I can't see it right now and I don't know if I ever will.



They say 9 out of 10 people suffer with depression at one point in their life, why couldn't I of been number 10? Why couldn't I of had a normal life and not be bullied by kids younger than me in school.
Why did I have to feel so horrible about myself I just carried on eating because apparently I was fat anyway even though size 12 is not fat. I've doubled that now.
I sit here, a size 24 with too many stretch marks and scars of count, with a body that makes me physically sick to see in a mirror.
I'm on pills that make me shit myself to help me lose weight since the gym just hurt my joints thanks to my disability that will one day soon put me in a wheelchair and the dietican gave up on me because I don't even eat, I just starve myself and then binge, and then purge. It's a cycle I'm trying to break but I can't see the end of the road, nor the light at the end of this tunnel.

I jsut don't know what to do anymore...