As Christmas and the New Year inches closer I'm reminded of how I'm struggling for money.
Christmas sint' so bad, I have few people I need to buy for and they're poor as em so we don't expect amazing, expensive gifts.
In the New Year however, I have a trip.
In February I will be leaving Kent and Heading to Cardiff for a show. Know, I know I'm 22 and will soon be 23 when i leave, and I know the show is Markiplier, a youtuber that people often associate with teenagers; but I really enjoy this man and his content. I can't count the times he's made me laugh and pulled me up from the dark abyss of depression.
So that's why I brought a V.I.P ticket to see him, but London was booked up and I stupidly thoguth Cardiff was in Essex or close. For people who don't know, it's actually in Wales.
So I'm a twat, but it's not stopped me from going, my hotel is booked and I have to buy a coach ticket to get there.
Now here lies the problem with money.
The hotel is £400 for the few nights I've booked, pretty good price but then again, it is in February.
A coach ticket is a hell of a lot cheaper than a train, so it's worth the being on the road for a day to get there. The coach is around £50 where a train would be bordering on £300 so train is out of the question.
The hotel and website I went through is great, I don't have to pay upfront of booking, I can pay once I'm there which is brilliant because it means I can save up to easily pay for everything... If I remembered to save. It's now December and all I have is the ticket.
I have two months roughly to gather around £500 for everything, thats not including what the hell I'm going to eat or do, fuck if I want to even buy anything. So, that's going to be a fun scramble for money these next months.
Now, saving would be easy. If I had a job. I don't work, I techincally can't because of how bad my mental and physcial health is. I'm too tempremental to work with people and I'm unreliable,e specially if I have a bad day I won't be going into work. So, probably a good choice to not hire me yet.
I've never had a real job, never worked properly. The closest I came to was when I was at my worst, depressed and suicidal; I hated myself. I no longer cared but I wanted money to spend on crap. SO I became an escort.
It was surprising at how many guys wanted to pay for me, but I was giving them something not many escort sites have; a large woman. So, I would meet up with these complete strangers, fuck in their car or in their work place they ran by themselves and I would get £100 for each hour. It was pretty good I thought. I mean, these married guys (yes pretty much all of them were married, most of them would just tell me outright because their wife thinks they're somewhere else, they loved to share their lie with me.) but these married men got their rocks off an I got paid so I didn't care. I knew it was a dangerous game I was playing, my first meet I ended up being raped; but I continued, it only filled my mind with more thoughts of how worthless I was, that I was lucky these guys wanted to pay for me to lay there and get fucked.
And as I sit here, in a money crisis, I won't lie. My mind goes back to wondering if I should just do it again for a bit, until I got the money I needed. I think if I didn't have a boyfriend, a guy who actually loves me; I would do it. I would go sleep around once more to get some money.
It's horrible to know I think so lowely of myself but at the same time not care and agree with myself that this IS all I'm worth.
I'm not stable enough to work a proper job and sometimes escorting feels like my only option.
I know if I make sure I save and borrow a little money off my parents that I'll be fine, I can pay them back quickly, it's the worry I won't save in time that pushes me off the edge, I know I'm terrible with money, I always impulse buy and that will be my downfall.
