Relationships are hard, you get clingy but you don't want them to be clingy back. You hate if they're clingy.
You miss them every second they're not with you but soon as they're with you, you just wish they;'d go away.
Of course, in normal relationships it's not like this at all I'm sure but in my life this is how it always goes.
I'm terrible at relationships, one minute i'm fine and happy with them the next I want to snap there neck.
It's difficult to be in a relationship with me, I know I wouldn't date me, way too much work. But I still hold out desperately searching for the one, the guy or girl who will hold me tight when I'm having a hallucination, someone to cheer me on as i take a little pride in myself for once. Someone who can handle my sudden mood changes and me snapping at them for no reason.
I doubt I'll ever find someone like that but I still hope and pray for it to happen.
I thought I had found the one, before my issues got worse, when it was just simple depression. He loved me like I never knew and I thought he was the one. I was 15 and actually seeing a life with him. Now 5 years onward he hurt me and I hurt him.It ruined me and my trust as I'm sure it did his. I find as I'm writing this my heart still belongs to him, but I know it would never work. It's just impossible, there is no trust, no love, only lust on his part and neediness on mine. Those two don't work. When all I want to do is cuddle while he's trying to get in my pants.
I've had other relationships and one was fun but it was the problem with sex again, just sex, sex, sex. All the time, and it was great, at first... Then it just felt like I had to, a duty as a girlfriend. I hated it. Something happened during the relationship that put me off sex and just being with him wasn't the same. It ended there. It hurt... A lot.
Another I had was hell on earth. I was young and we got on so well, we laughed, fucked, gamed everything, it was perfect. Until it happened... It went all downhill from there, I gained a black eye and another time after an argument I nearly ended up with a broken arm. I was just as bad as he was. He threw a punch, I laughed and told him to do it again. I slated him just as he slated me, but it hurt me more. I was told to kill myself, during a time when I was self harming nearly every day and already wanted to die, my boyfriend. just encouraged it. I remember one night after a nasty argument, I was staying round his, i walked out of the house. At 3 in the morning. I was only 17 and I refused to go back home because I didn't want to explain what happened. So I wandered the streets until 7am and then went home. I was so scared. Ashford isn't a nice place during the day let alone the middle of the night but anything was better than being near him.
I've had a few other relationships beside these three but they were short and didn't last long. Ok it was two other relationships with girls but like I said, didn't work out. One was clingy the other was my psychotic than me.
I can't see myself being in a relationship for a long time, if ever. It scares me, what if I fuck up?What if they're like the others? So many things go through my mind and stop me from wanting to date.
I sleep around, surprising considering I feel I don't look good at all but that's a different story.
Who knows, maybe one day I'll be in a relationship but today, tomorrow, the day after that, they day after the day after. You get the point. I don't think I'm ready. I've told so many people and I guess I should take my own advice. "You are your number 1 priority." and that's true, God is it true. You need to work on and love yourself before you should find someone to love you but again, it feels like you need that person to love you to love yourself but it's not true! you can love yourself and not need anyone, it's hard but you can eventually learn to love yourself again and that's what I'm trying to work on. I go to therapy, I try to take pride in how I look and I just take it one baby step at a time. Maybe once I'm happy with myself I'll find someone to call my own but for now I should just work on myself.
Another problem I have with a relationship though is I'm scared to love, i fall in love too easy and I end up getting hurt and I just don't want that to happen again, I don't want the violence, the mental abuse, the hatred, the using, I don't want ti, I want someone to love me, scars, fucked up mind, and all. I fall in love too easily. I get to know someone, think they're cute and boom, my heart starts fluttering and I get clammy hands and I'm in love. Whether it is actual love or just a strong crush I don't know but I know it fucking sucks, it hurts because now I have to try to cut the feelings off and it's like I'm using a blunt knife. It hurts even more trying to go "No, they don't like me, just enjoy your friendship." It's so hard to do it and I end up even more broken than I was before.
I never seem to get those feelings completely gone either, they're always just there, a little nugget of love, I must have like 50 now. And whats even worse is when you don't see them for a while and the feeling goes and then you see them again and BAM feelings are back and it stings, it stings like someones just stabbed you in the chest with a long ass needle or something.
Urgh I don't know, I think I should just become a hermit and sit in a cave but i need wifi, and a blanket, and loads of pillows... maybe I'll just live in my room, that's a good idea, a lot warmer too.
