One of the many things I need to talk about. The voices. Two in fact. No, not like schizophrenia, least I don't think so, okay so sometimes I can see them and feel them but that doesn't make me schizophrenic right?
Anyway these voices are a pain in my arse, not just by them being there but also the fact people make their own diagnosis and assume I'm saying I have different personalities and then say I'm faking it. I'm not faking shit. Although there seems to be two sides of me I have never claimed to have different personalities or anything I'm not sure of for that matter. I have to live with these voices and it's hell.
And yes hell is different for other people, some people have worse stuff and are fine with it, have come to terms with it but for me, these voices are hell on Earth.
But yes, two voices, one horrible one and one that pretends to be nice. Whether they're the same or different, I can't really tell but they seem different to me.
Another problem I have that's linked to these voices is that I have a hard time telling where sounds come from, as in if it's in my head or outside, so when I'm asked how I hear the voices I say in my head because they're not real right? Well, then I get brushed off, being told it's normal and it's really just my own thoughts but it's not! Voices this bad can't be normal! The horrible one is always telling me how to hurt people and myself to the point I break down and hurt myself just so I don't hurt other people and the "nice" one is there when I'm low, telling me it's okay, nice of him right? That is until he says how hurting me or killing myself will help, how it'll make it all go away and I'm so alone I believe him, why would he lie to me?
Voices aren't the only thing I get, I get hallucinations along with them. It's like I'm in hell and they decided to give me so extra torture just because they felt like it. These aren't nice hallucinations like "oh I'm tripping so hard, haha look an 8 legged cat." No more like seeing myself killing people, animals, and myself. So not only do I have the voices telling me to do that stuff, I get to see it in action too. Lucky me!
There's one really bad one I get, I've seen worse in my hallucinations but it's not what I see, it's what i hear. I hear the agonized scream of a cat being run over, over and over again. It renders me useless, I become stiff and bite my tongue to stop the screams from coming out. I grip and dig my nails into anything I can, hair, skin, objects. Luckily I don't have long nails so i can't really do any damage to myself but I have nearly pulled hair out.
I wish I knew how to get rid of all of them, but I can't. maybe I can control them but that seems a long way yet but I hope it can happen, I don't want to live my life with these voices and images any longer, no one should have to go through it.
There's one thing lately that's really been bothering me, more than the voices, more than the hallucinations, well, it's kind of like a hallucination but I guess you can also call it a nightmare, or when it happens during the day a flashback.
I got sexually assaulted in October (I think) 2014.... It seems so long ago but the memory is still fresh in my mind, I've been assaulted before, once by an abusive partner and the second by someone who was a friend. I don't get bad memories of those that much really, sometimes I do, I still can't do to teenager section of Vicky park without freaking out (that's where the second one happened) but I can see why those happened. I got my ex into a dominant relationship with me and he just took to the part too well and the other time I allowed myself to get drunk off my arse and then do nothing when my no's and stops wasn't doing anything.
But this one was different, I still blame myself, I was in a... Certain job for a bit and he was my first client, I met him, got in the car and we drove somewhere secluded. I was freaking out, my mind was screaming at me to get out and I should of listened to it. We started fucking and then I was tied up, hands behind my back and legs apart. I started panicking a bit and asked him to untie me. He told me what eh was going to do and I knew it was going to hurt. He told me if I said no, stop or anything like that he'd put his second hand in too. I fell silent and waited for the pain. Soon as he went I screamed and begged him to stop, I've never experienced anything like it, the pain felt like I was being ripped apart and in a way i was.
He stopped once he got his fist in and then pulled out before wiping away my tears. He said because he liked me he wouldn't do both even though I broke the rules. He fucked me again after that but I just laid there, in too much pain to do anything. He untied me, I got dressed and he dropped me off near my home.
I got in, curled up on the floor and cried, I cried and I cried. By the time my parents came home I was in bed and a part of me was lost, I felt like I was nothing but a piece of meat to be used. So I carried on the job and met with other people, not caring what they did to me anymore. I was broken inside. The pain lasted for weeks after. I couldn't even pee without crying in pain it was that bad.
I went to the doctors to get checked out because it was hurting and when they find out what happened they begged em to go to the police, but I couldn't. I knew I'd be arrested if I told them I was escorting and that's how it happened. I was so scared they would confirm my fear of that it was my fault and I'm too blame. I just couldn't do it.
I know I went off a little here but now, every night I keep reliving it, in different scenarios but it's always the same. I'm surprised I haven't woken my parents up screaming. I can still hear his voice telling me not to make a sound, I still get pains down there even though there's no need for it. I'm broken because of him, a shell, and I hate myself and my body even more than I did.
It'll soon be two years since it happened, and though i can't remember the month I remember it was a Friday simply because that's when my parents go out. I go out with them now, I can't be on my own in this house, where I came back from all of it. I drove past where it happened the other day and my whole body screamed at me to get away from it, I heard him, I felt him, it all came back in an instant just from seeing the place we parked up. And it was all for £100.
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