2am Thoughts and Stresses

Things are starting to build up once more, so many little things combining and melding together to create one huge wave to bullshit stress.

So much has gone on since I last posted here, I've fallen in love, had my heart broken, lost friends and reconnected with others.

My Grandad is getting married in August, I'm so excited for him. When he first started to date again after my nan passed around 7 years ago. I hated it at the beginning, he was replacing my nan in my mind.
Her passing had affected me a lot when it happened. She left us in june and shortly after her funeral, I tried to take my life for the first time. It was the first loss I had experienced and I was in a bad mental state; I couldn't take saying goodbye and tried to join her I guess... I ended up being placed into a psych ward and missing my exams.

I hadn't fully let go when he started to look for a partner to end his journey with, I even got to the point of resenting him for even trying, I was selfish. As he dated he found most older women didn't want a real connection, a real life partner; just some quick fun.
Then he met Sandra.
It was mean't to be there and then.
A lot of people think you have only one true love, but if you're lucky you'll find a second.
I was still uncomfortable at the beginning; until we went over to her bungalow for a dinner; my Grandad was already practically living with her at this point and would sortly go on to sell his house.
After dinner I went down to the bottom of the garden with my Grandad and sat on a swing seat with him. And that's when I realised, as I looked into his eyes, there was that spark he used to have, rekindled and alive once more. I finally saw the smile on his face and remembered how his hand never left her knee; just wishing to touch her.

Thats when I asked him. "You're really happy aren't you? You love her." And he nodded and said yes, and how he knew it was probably hard for me to see him with someone else. He probably knew this from the fact I rarely spoke or looked at her; but after seeing that smile. I was happy, I knew my nan would want him to be happy and not lonely.


Soon they booked a ticket to cruise around the carribbean and he proposed to her there.
Now their wedding is coming up, these two huge families are going to become one humongous family. We could fill a small village with this family.

My Grandad and Sandra have asked me and my two cousins if we want to read a poem; they want to get everyone involved and have a little part to play in the wedding.
Apart from the standing in front of everyone and reading out loud I ws excited to do this. I love poetry. I read, listen, and write poems and my cousins have admitted they don't know much about poetry.
This is where the stress and fustration begins.
I find a poem about two old people being in love and finishing thei journey together is more beautiful than a young couple jsut beginning their journey. It fits perfectly as well as being short and sweet.
I send it to my cousin.
She replies with it's not appropriate because of the word old.
I'm annoyed but ok, lets look for another.
She finds a winnie the pooh poem which only mentions two is better than one at the end as a last sentence. It's not wedding material, mainly for the fact that it doesn't really say anything about love, or couples, weddings, or even families.

She agrees and we both go searching again, my cousin pops up on my phone with a poem she wrote herself and it isn't too bad. I agree that its good and we can use it but ask to edit it a little so it flows a little better.

I spend a good chunk of my day writing the original and then my rework down; but I'm proud of it. It flowed a lot better and some of the words were changed so the sentences weren't so bulky.

She hates the rework, using the sorry if I sound rude excuse as she goes "Togetherness works better, so does swells and blah blah blah blah blah blah. I like the end the day with simply I love you" (hers read "end the day with I simply love you... Sooooooooo)
I'm ready to pull my hair out. I just worked on the poem for it to be thrown back at me because my cousin who doesn't even read poetry doesn't like a couple words and prefers her own.

So I've let her change whatever she wants and I'm tempted to just pull out of the poetry reading; It was a stressful enough thought as it was but now with my anger shoved into the mix I feel like the anxiety is starting to bubble over and is about to explode any second like a volitale stick of dynamite that's been dropped from a fifty storey building.

I don't want to disappoint my Grandad but at the same time I don't want to read something I haven't put myself into. The poem has nothing to represent me.
It sounds like an ego trip, at least ti does to me as I read this, but it's the opposite. I want to make my Grandad happy.